A Changed Me

I did not see Ambika after that. Although I wished for a glimpse of her and at the same time I wished for the opposite. But I changed a lot after that. I started reading course books and my efficiency in grasping things was ten folds. My unconscious mind was trying its best to make me a deserving person for Her. So that no one will ever say, that she has done a mistake by choosing Chandru. Instead they will say "They both deserved each other." And somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that she'll wait. I was feeling energy radiating out of me. The final day, last paper and everyone was emotional. The papers seemed to be lot more easier than previous semesters. As soon as I finished the last question I was happy that I'll be free from the worst place, my college, I've ever been in my life. I knew what I had to do. Get out of the college. Go to bangalore. Get a job. Study and pursue MBA. Get even more better job. Come back. Propose Ambika and live happily ever after. Plan was simple and clear. See I am a master in simple plans. As the bell rang it broke my day dream. I started heading towards my hostel to pack my bags and leave as soon as possible. On my way I saw guys and girls weeping and hugging each other. Where was all this love hidden? Guys were crying like girls. I thought only I was the one who was not feeling anything. Saket and company came to me and hugged me with moist eyes. "Oh we were friends" I thot. I felt guilty for the fact that I don't give a damn about them but still we are professionals. I hugged all of them back, packed my stuff. A big part was already packed. I called a cab and drove home. At home everyone was smiling till I announced that I am leaving for bangalore this weekend. In India and especially in middle class family, parents want to keep their children as near with them as possible and bangalore was 2 days and 2 nights journey by train. So for them I was kind of going outside India. To the day of my they kept mourning as if I am not going to return. But I knew I was. For her.

Bridge of chance for Love

For the first time in my life, I knew what I was feeling. Suddenly a wave of feeling aroused. I felt pain and then I realized its love.
Ambika: Do u love me?(Okay this was unexpected. I felt like blood was flowing faster than its normal speed. I can run even on a faster speed I thot. And the problem was this time I had to face it. I cant run.) MTV bolti band tell me.
Chandru: I... We are just friends.(The strange thing about girls is, no matter how foolish are they, they can sense. And this one was a shrewd mammal.) I do not know. Why? What about you?
Ambika: As expected. If you love me then why are you lying? U never lie I thot.
(Suddenly I gained confidence. I wanted to tell her how much I love her. What and how I felt everytime when I was with her. How with every passing moment I searched for her in college. How I slept thinking about her and then woke up thinking about her. I never told her what I feel because I always thought my words will not justify my feelings. There exist no words for the feeling called Love. And then I said...)
Chandru: I am no match for you. There is nothing like love between us. Because you've spent sometime with me that is what you are calling love. Give yourself sometime. You deserve a better person. (Said everything in a breath. Wooh what a relief.)
Ambika: "How do you know what I deserve?" (Yeah y dont u punch me instead. She always has a ready to use answer.)
Chandru: I don't know. But with me you are going nowhere. There is no future. Think practical. And above all I am never going to commit. Not for you. (Ha I can match you too.)
Ambika: That was harsh.
Chandru: I know but there wasn't any other way I would have told you.
Ambika: So now what? Lets go. I have to go and check what others are doing.

She was hiding her. But she did not know that I was dying with pain and by the efforts of concealing it. The problem with girls is once they love someone, no matter how useless the guy is, they will drop some tears for him anyway. It was around 10:30 pm now and only we were there. Sometimes a security guard just dropped by in the hope that we might get kinky and he gets some free entertainment. I can see the disappointment on his face when he did not get any. I have almost forgotten that she was sitting right next to me and so found myself thinking about her as I use to in my hostel room or anywhere else. Her voice again brought me back into reality.
Ambika: Shall we go? I need to check my friends.
Chandru: Can we sit more for a little while?
Ambika: Do you know, you suck? (Thanks for making me realize.)
And then we did not say anything. None of us moved. From the corner of my eyes I was watching her. I saw her watching her feet which she has polished better than normal days. I don't how do girls do all those stuff in hostel. Plus I don't how sometimes they choose to look beautiful than normal. I suck big time no matter what's the occasion is. I saw tiny drops of water on her feet which I guess were her tears. For one last time I watched her with as much concentration as possible thinking that may be my memory will hold her presence all my life. I was foolish ofcourse. For me she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and I hope she will always be. Suddenly the sound of crackers distracted my thoughts and I realized its time to go. I walked with her to her hostel. It was 12:30 night. She did not turn back and I kept watching the iron gate for next 20 mins thinking that she might pop back. Today I build a bridge of chance for someone I loved.

Melting Moments

So here I was between all those Sherwanis' and Suites' wearing guys, a guy with blue Jeans and checked shirt. And above all I was waiting for a girl. The boy who was once dragged to Mess for dinner was waiting for a girl on a very odd day and in very odd dress. Somehow I felt nice and embarrased. Nice coz everyone was looking at me like I was from someother college gate crashed to this farewell party. Since everyone was properly dressed except me so I was getting "from where u came" kind of looks and thus some attention.
Fifteen minutes were over and there were no signs of Ambika. So I thot of moving back to my cave for more sleep. I turned back to walk towards my hostel but there she was. Flashing the "pallu" of her pink color sari. My jaws dropped. Oh My God... She is HOT. Why young girl look so hot in saree. There is something with the traditional dresses. They really change an otherwise nerd girl to hottie and beautiful. I wanted to find a black plastic bag to cover my face. I was looking like sh*t. What shall I do now? Running was always a better option for me.

Ambika: Hi!!! Looking nice.
Chandru: No I am looking different. You look gorgeous!!! When did I last saw u?
Ambika: Thanks. But u r looking nice too. Being urself. Stop Grinning.
Chandru: I am sorry for whatever I've done. And why are u walking like that. (I know being yourself means being stupid.)
Ambika: No need to say sorry. I know u. And this is 1st time I am wearing saree by myself so I am suppose to walk like this.
Chandru: Y? (She gave a "don't ask stupid questions" look) Okay!!! (After 10 mins of pause) I hope u did not call me to see you in a Saree.
Ambika: No. I just wanted to spend my last day with you.
Chandru: Y? (I have a disease of asking Y every now and then.)
Ambika: Y do u think there must be a reason behind everything?
Chandru: I guess there is. I kno u, n I don't think u just called me here to be with u for few hours.
Ambika: Yes u r right. Lets sit somewhere. How about lawn?
Chandry: Y? Okay!!! I just wanted to ask that u r dressed for a party then y don't U go there. I'll wait for u outside.
A: Shut up wise guy. Come...

LAWN

C: I still think u shud go for party. I m feeling guilty for robbing u of d happiness u'll get there.
A: How do u kno whr my happiness lies? Do u really care?
C: (As usual smart, wise and ready to use answer. She can go places if she applies her presence of mind in right direction.)

Nostalgia

Final year has bought a lot more changes in me. For the first time in life, Chandru decided to change for good. I never understood why. I started studying again. Lost interest in useless talks. And when I did not find anything to do, I developed a strange habit of sleeping for many hours.
So the new Chandru has hobbies like reading,sleeping,watching movies. I lost touch with all my friends except Saket which a nice companion for breakfast,lunch and dinner. And he has a PC. So alhtough life was not enjoyable but it was not that bad at all. In that period I watched lots of hollywood movies specially love stories and learned a lot from them. I don't know when relations are so fragile in west how can they make such nice love stories. I even watched emotionally intensive Korean movies like My Sassy Girl and really moved by that. I started realizing the meaning of Love, or I thot so. Meanwhile I've almost forgot Ambika. I did not forget her coz I want to but coz I never expected her to return. Irony isn't it.
It was our farewell day and as usual I was having my afternoon nap. For the first time I saw boys applying makeup. Many of them, no all of them has bought new dresses for farewell. Everyone was looking nice and thus I realized that was a big day for many as they were about to finish graduation and leave their friends. But here I was sleeping with dresses which were not even clean. I was not expecting anyone, nor anyone was expecting me and I wanted to go out of that f**king college asap. But someone knocked my door. It was Saket holding my phone. I've already given my phone to him as his calls started coming since morning. People wanted that jerk in party.

Saket: "your call..."
Chandru: "What?"
Saket: "Your call a**hole..."
Chandru: "Who the f**k will call me today?"
Saket: "Don't use swear words she is listening."
Chandru: "Ambika???"
Ambika: "Yes!!! And when did you start using F words."
Chandru: "I am sorry. Will not use that again. What happened?"
Ambika: "Nothing. Just!!! R u coming?"
Chandru: "Hell no!!! I can't come."
Ambika: "I want you to come even if you dont want to."
Chandru: "Can't we just talk over fone? V r going to talk there anyway and nothing else. Besides I don't have party wears. I have my Jeans and T-shirts. U'll b embarrassed."
Ambika: "I'll b embarrassed if u won't come. U can come nude if u don't have clothes."
Chandru: "Oh PJs? Since when?"
Ambika: "Since... (She stopped thinking of something). Come fast I've to tell u somthing. And don't even think of asking what."
Chandru: "Okay I am coming. By the way, I missed you a lot."
Ambika: "Come fast."

A friend in Need

After that proposal debacle, I was here playing Max Payne in Saket's desktop. He was happy that nothing happened and just to extract some extra pleasure he started asking me details of the fortunate accident. Fortunate for him, accident for me. When I've friends like Saket I dont need enemies.
Saket: So have u proposed?
Me: No. I thot to give myself sum time.
Saket: Really!!!(I can see the curve of his smile even when I was not watchin his face.) Or is there something else?
Me: Y do u want to kno?
Saket: Just!!! I am ur friend.(Hell, I kno(KMA). At this point my patience broke which is once in a decade affair.)
Me: She is an ambitious girl. I am no match for her.
Saket: I kno. U shud not have thot abt her on the first place. She is 8 pointer,u are barely 6. She is mature, you are but not that much.(Oh thanx.)She has options, ur life is a single choice question. Forget her and find a new girl. She is way beyond you.
Me: Thanks mate. Your words are helping me.
Saket: Anytime buddy. We are friends(KMA).(After a long pause of 10 mins when i did not react.)
Saket: No,just. What did she say when u proposed?
Me: I didn't.
Saket: Okay. U just came back.(What do I look like.Again since I did not react, plain faced for 15mins.)
Do u really love her?
(Does this a** kno abt love.)
Me: Y? How does that matter? to anyone?
Saket: No its foolish for a boy like u to love her. Its not practical.
Me: Love is not practical,its love. Only ur desire for gal is a practical one. Although for u I seem to be like a stupid looser. Yes I am but for the first time in my life I kno 1 thing for sure. I love her. I love her so much that I'll let her go.
Saket: Relax man. We r friends. I just wanted to share.
Me: I kno. Thanks man.
Saket: So now what?
Silence. Somehow I choose not to answer and he didn ask again.

Ambikaa

I have never understood the thing between winters and love. So it was winters of 2003, I was lying on my hostel bed thinking of how to clean my messed up room. I got a call with a threat which I immediately realized is for my friend whose room was in front of mine. Although the mobile was mine but it was worst than a public telephone booth. I was a message boy for my lobby friends and if it's a threat from a girl then ofcourse it was Saket from front door. As usual I thanked Saket as it stopped me from cleaning the room and gave him the phone after scolding him and immediately started playing Max Payne third time on his PC. This was a completely normal thing for both of us. Next step would have been he'll explaing something to the girl and the girl will say "Okay I understand. Love you." But this girl was different. She also scolded her because when she hung up I can see that on Saket's face. I enjoyed that. The story would have ended there but the girl was sensible too. She has the sense to apologise for her mistake for unknowingly scolding me. And since I did not react that much so she felt I am a nice guy. So the thing started, from casual meaningful talks to long "faltoo" once. We hanged out a lot and slowly and steadily I was getting use to her. She was a smart girl and foolish boys always fell for smart girls. She knew what she wants and how? 1 thing I never understood was why she liked my company? I was just Chandru whose voice sounds like a 'chaiwala'.Anyways she made herself a part of my life. After a long time Chandru can feel air in his lungs and wrinkles of smiles on his face. The whole world was seem to be on my side. I was happy. For the first time I like being called Chandru. Although we were still friends but I was already feeling something which I thought was love. And the D-day came. It was again winter. Wait a minute what is with winter and my love life. Am I a seasonal animal/beast? Anyways, after much pumping from my friends, I decided this will be the day when I'll no more be a shy village boy but a man in love. The smile on her face, look in her eyes made me more determined. And...
Ambika : Hi....
Chandru : (A different kind of smile where all your teeth are visible. No it was not a laugh.)
I started getting nervous.
Ambika : So this is your last year in college.
Chandru : I guess so.(My fate... I knew where it was going.)
Ambika : So since there is only 4 months left, what have you thot of.
Chandru : Of what?(Of course she is thinking of a relation with a commitment wise guy.)
Ambika : About your career. How are going to proceed? What have you thot abt that?
Chandru : Hmmm... I m thinking. Lets go to cafe.
Ambika : Ok. I've to return these books to library. Will go from there. What? You look tense? And y r u dressed up properly today?
Chandru : Nothing. I was just thinking about career. And hey!!! thanx for ur concern. So what are your career plans then?
Ambika : Well I've thot of...(She knows as usual what she has to do. I love this girl.)

That was the end of my love story. I again proved I am a looser.

Its A New Day

First Year in college:
Learnings:

After 1 year of detailed research on Delhi's culture and survival techniques there, I some how got thru in an engineering college which I guessed was built for loosers like me and the most humiliating thing was it was few kms away from an IIT. And 1st time I came to kno that IITians are weirdos and in terms of a traffic constable who somehow read my face : "educated fools". So everytime my relatives asked from where I am pursuing BTech and I always clarified that its not an IIT but a few kms away from it. They also ran a few kms away from me. Within 1 month of my engineering I quickly realized that even this world is not for me. I saw the motive behind this technical education a) Make ur black money white, b) Make more money out of that.
Soon I started cribbing like a college guy. We don't want these stupid subjects, we are not made for this, we want some meaningful, system is corrupt blah blah blah. But I learned following things:
1. Vice Chairmans are puppets,not humans.
2. There are cowards in military(Our registrar was a Colonel.)
3. Their wives are hot.
4. There are many millionaires in India.
5. Even do have swimming pools in their homes.
6. You need a cellphone to survive your college life. And also your love life.

Friends:

Room partner: Pankaj was somehow like me except that he was smart, well built like John Abraham, 5'11" and wearing Jeans since his childhood and his name was not "Chandru". But somehow we instantly became friends. He has a whole range of hobbies and I didn't and so I quickly learned abt cars,bikes,computers and of course hot chicks. He was happy to expand his knowledge and I was happy to grasp it just in case to be a cool guy.

Hero of the lobby: Vikram, he was a rich spoilt kid who got everything in his life. Even for this engineering seat he had not written any exams. His father wrote a letter and he was in. He has all cool gadgets that we can expect even a camera mobile. Strangely built, monkey faced and blabbering about his wealth all times and has 7 underwears for all the 7 days. But he was useful.

Nuisance of the lobby: Sharma brothers. Twins. Since their birth they have shared everything. Waiting for their marriage nowadays. Rumours were they have looted a shop once after watching "Bade Miyan Chote Miyan".

Common room of lobby: Chandru/Pankaj's room. Its our room.

The manipulator: Chandrachur singh(Chandru 2). Short,black with a belly like a baby elephant. He was the one who drove everthing/everyone in lobby. Our room as common room was his idea which was later confirmed by Vikram and hence everyone. He gave everyone names, no one dared to gave him one.

The singer: Ashish Tandon. The only normal healthy boy after Pankaj but with a strange voice which was misfit on his face. He looked like a cobbler. His songs were famous in our common room.

So from 1st year since last year of my college life, these were my best friends and worst enemies too.

Name: The Canteen Boy

I also became famous as there was 1 canteen boy named Chandru and the dear friends of mine use to shout the name in canteen during dinner time. I instantly became the canteen boy. Noone objected, not even I.

Second year in college: More was yet to come

If first year was fantastic in terms of humiliation, second year was stupendous. I soon realized that I am in wrong place at wrong time. For the first time in my life I did not care about studies and later I did not care about anything, not even about myself. My grades lowered. I went home for a few times and came to know that now I really dont feel anything.

Third year in college: Happiness

Third year was going as its usual pace. I was having my time of life. But then in the end of 3rd year I met Ambikaa. She never told me what those last "aa" stand for. She was better in every respect but still she liked me and after a long time I realized I was not happy for a long time. The thing with life is you don't know what you are missing unless it comes to you and leaves again.